The Unexpected Gravy

We were in Indiana over Ginger's birthday, and I never really got to blog about my feelings on her reaching a year. I posted that video (which I made before we left on vacation)- but of course it doesn't have words...and I find myself feeling so different at the close of Ginger's first year than I ever expected I would feel.

The first year of Ginger's life was very different for me compared to the first year of Paprika's. I'm not talking about being a parent "the second time around" (as people like to say) or being more relaxed, or feeling more comfortable. No, not that.

I'm talking about how different it is to fall in love after horrible and tragic loss. What it feels like to love someone so much but be scared that it could all end at any moment. The only thing I can really compare it to is having your heart broken and learning to love again. But it's a thousand (a million?) times stronger than that.

Before Ginger was born, the only hope I had for her was that she would be born alive. That's it. I wanted to meet her and watch her take a breath, and I never really thought past that point. I wanted her to be healthy, sure...but I knew that even if she had health problems, it would be okay as long as she was alive when she was born. I just wanted to stare into her eyes for a moment and have her stare back at me and smell her sweet breath. It was a dream I had with our twins...but of course they had passed away by the time I gave birth to them, and although I got to hold them, I really wanted see them alive.

So, in the few moments after Ginger was born she had already fulfilled all of my parental expectations for her. It sounds funny to say that, but it's true. Everything since that point has been gravy...unexpected, glorious, and sweet gravy.

One of the hardest parts about being a parent "this time around" is opening my heart and letting myself love with every corner of my being: risking that, of course, it could all end tomorrow. It is so hard sometimes. But I find Ginger is patient with me in ways that I never could have imagined. Each day her smile breaks my weary heart into a million pieces, wrapping herself around its very core. She has intertwined herself into my soul, and it's just...oh, I don't know...too powerful for words.

With Paprika, I expected to love her with every fiber of my being. I expected to be enamoured by each milestone, each new expression. With her, my love was so new. I had never experienced the heartache of saying goodbye for a lifetime, and I never thought I would.

With Ginger it's different, but it's also the same. Each day as I watch Ginger grow, I can't help but think of Vivian and Annemarie, and what they would be like now. Each day I watch Ginger grow I feel my grief opening up, and I feel myself healing in all of my broken places. When she takes my face in her hands and pulls herself up to kiss me on the lips over and over again (this is her new trick), I think to myself, "How could I have ever known that she would be so sweet, so pure, so innocent, so magical?"

So, this first year of Ginger's life...it's really been a love story. About how a broken heart can heal in the broken places. Not ever fully, of course. But how a soul can learn to laugh again, and sometimes even cry...knowing that there still is joy in the world.

She gave me hope. She gave us all hope. And to think all I ever wanted was for her to be born alive. I would say that she's gone pretty far and above that. Each day...each moment with her, is an unexpected blessing that I cherish in the root of my soul and never, ever (not even for a second) take for granted.

Due Date!

Today is my due date...June 27th, 2009. Today I would have been 40 weeks pregnant with Ginger, had she not made her entrance into the world 9 days early!

She is a sleepy little baby, a mellow one, and overall just a wonderful addition to our little family.

Happy Due Date, Ginger! I am glad you decided to make your entrance a little early!

Ginger's Birthday!

Ginger Sunshine
Born June 18, 2009
8 Pounds, 11 ounces
20.5 inches long
Perfect, healthy, and very loved!



Ginger came into the world after an intense, natural, and surprising labor! On Wednesday morning, I had the feeling I might be going into labor. We asked Mr. Mustard's mom to come down to Los Angeles just in case. All day long, I felt contractions that were getting more intense. Around 6pm, Mr. Mustard and I decided to go out to dinner to enjoy possiby our last night before Ginger arrived. We made it to the doors of the restaurant when I decided we really needed to go to the hospital instead!



So, we braved rush hour traffic in Los Angeles, and arrived at the hospital around 7:30pm on Wednesday night. My contractions were about 2 minutes apart. They checked me and I was already 4.5 cm dilated! Contractions intensified, and my water broke on its own at the hospital around 1 am. I wanted to let labor go on its own without the aid of pitocin or other drugs, so that's what we did! A few hours later, Ginger Sunshine Urth was born into the hands of Dr. K at 4:15 am on Thursday morning, healthy and perfect in every way!



These pictures were taken a few hours after she was born! She came out clean, like she'd just taken a bath!



We are so grateful for this little girl, and not a moment goes by that we don't look at her with complete happiness for the gift she is to our family. There is much more to say, but we just got home from the hosptial and I would rather snuggle her than write, so this will have to do for now. :-)

Until then, a few more pictures taken at the hospital right after birth!

Let The Sun Shine!

On Tuesday, after my doctor's appointment, we spent the afternoon at the park. In these pictures, I am 38 weeks, 3 days pregnant with our little baby.

Paprika has been super attached to me these past few weeks. She is so independent, but when I get too far behind (as is known to happen now since I'm not as fast on my feet as I used to be), she runs back to me and wants to jump into my lap.



I am starting to feel a little bit better, pregnancy-wise. I know the end is in sight. After being pregnant for about a year and a half, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And the light is calling my name! I am so ready to meet our little baby.



I can't wait to hold this newest one in my arms. Until then, I have a few other loves keeping me company. Mr. Mustard and Paprika are doing a great job of making me laugh and keeping my spirits bright.



Life is pretty great at the moment. After the hardest year, filled with very dark days and immense sadness, it feels like the sun is starting to shine. It feels warm and good...and we are grateful!

38 Week Appointment!

Yesterday, I had my 38 week doctor's appointment. Our baby is measuring by ultrasound at 8 pounds 9 ounces, which could be off by a pound or so. The amniotic fluid levels continue to look good. Not much progress has been made...but that could all change very quickly, of course!

Mr. Mustard and Paprika accompanied me to the appointment. Paprika entertained herself in the waiting room by reading Vanity Fair. She found it very interesting!



When she was done with that, Mr. Mustard took her downstairs for a treat while I had my appointment. Paprika had a pretty great time- cookies are preferable to a Dr.'s office visit any day of the week!



On the way home, we stopped at the park and gardens and had a great afternoon enjoying the bright sunshine. Love days like this!

Labor Progressing?

I've been feeling contractions pretty regularly since last night. They are strong, but come and go and aren't too regular yet. Sometimes they are very painful, and they are usually accompanied by strong back pain.

I don't know if all these contractions are doing anything, or if it's just false labor. We were tempted to jump in the car last night and drive to the hospital, but the last thing I wanted to do was go down there and get turned away because it's still too soon.

I am looking forward to my doc appointment this week- hopefully he will tell me that I'm ready to go! Doubtful, but I can hope, right?



In the meantime, we've been tying up loose ends around the house as we wait for baby. Paprika has been all over the map with her sleeping...I think she senses big changes are coming. She didn't fall asleep last night til after 3 am, then was up at 9 am this morning. Then by 4 pm, she went in her room, got in bed, pulled the covers over herself, and went to sleep.

But still, even with her crazy sleep schedule, she's been pretty active- she's gone with us on many errands today and we even squeezed in a park visit at a brand new playground. She is definitely keeping us busy!

37 Week Appointment

Yup, I'm still here. I just got home from my doctor's appointment, and basically, it looks like I won't be going into labor anytime soon. Cervix is closed, 3.7 cm long, and baby is still very high up at about a -3 station. When I was at the hospital, the nurse said I was 1-2cm dilated, but according to Dr. K, I'm not. I don't know what all those contractions were about: a lot of drama with no big payoff!

Dr. K did an ultrasound to check fluid levels, and to make sure things are still looking good.

The baby is now estimated by ultrasound to weigh about 8 pounds, 4 ounces. The baby's head is measuring 9.7 cm in diameter. Overall, for growth, the baby is about the size of an average baby at 40w5d.

The ultrasound was really wonderful. The baby was wiggling toes, and that was very fun to watch. Precious!

Paprika and Mr. Mustard arrived back safe and sound from Santa Barbara last night. I was only away from them for one night, but it seemed like a lot longer! It is wonderful having them home. Grandma Pat watched Paprika while I was down here in Los Angeles resting- and I am so grateful for that! It really eased my mind to know Paprika was being taken care of by someone who loves her so much.

I am taking it easy and enjoying this last stretch of being pregnant. I have my next appointment in a week and until then, it's just a waiting game! We are busy setting up all the baby's things and getting Paprika excited about the birth.

Full Term, Baby!

We have reached the 37 week mark! Although we still know that nothing is guaranteed, we are excited that the finish line to the birth is drawing very near. Just a little while longer of sweating before we get to meet our newest Urth. We are excited- nervous, but very excited!

Healing from my surgery isn't going quite as fast as it did last time. I am wondering if they maybe didn't get everything they were supposed to? Ahem! I hope that's not the case and that before long, I'll be up and around again.

In the meantime, Paprika has been great company. We've been snuggling on the couch, watching Disney movies- which is a nice treat for both of us. She makes me smile even when I would otherwise be super grumpy.



Mr. Mustard is working today, but is off tomorrow, and then he goes back on Monday...and then he's done with work again! He doesn't have another job lined up, so we'll just enjoy this time off as a well-positioned break as we welcome our newest family member. I am looking forward to having him home a bit- it's good timing with the new baby coming. It will be great for Paprika and for the baby to get to spend some quality time with their daddy- and of course, I love having him around more, too!

Last Day Before Full-Term!

Today I am 36 weeks 6 days, which means tomorrow I'll be 37 weeks: full term! Oh, how we've waited to get here! I've been willing myself towards 37 weeks for awhile now, and as early as Wednesday of this week, I was already referring to myself as 37 weeks...wishful thinking, I guess!

Yesterday and today, I have been recovering from surgery. I have just been hanging out at Pat's house, in bed mostly. I haven't taken Paprika anywhere, but she is having fun exploring the house, and keeping me company by drawing next to my bed and playing with her toys. I also haven't been taking any pictures- can you believe it?! I miss my camera!

I am supposed to be taking vicodin (2 tablets every 4 hours), but I just can't do it. I worry that it will affect the baby, and if I can make it through without vicodin, then I'm going to do it. I just took some tylenol, and let me tell you...it's not as good as vicodin! :-)

So, that's all the news for now. Baby is still sitting tight. Next doctor's appointment is next week, and then I have one the following week...and that may be our last appointment!

We still have lots to do back in Pasadena- but Mr. Mustard's job up here will be done soon and we'll all be back there. I have a feeling that even though it feels like it's taking a million years to get to my due date, before long, it will seem like a flash, and "where did the time go?"

Until next time... :-)

36 Weeks 3 Days Appointment

On Tuesday, I headed down to Los Angeles for my 36 week doctor's appointment. It was 2 1/2 hours of driving each way- but cruising the coast of California next to the ocean isn't a bad way to spend the day, really.

At the doc's office, they did the GBS test, which tests for Strep B. I tested positive with Paprika and I suspect I will again this time. It's not a big deal if they catch it prior to delivery...they will give me IV antibiotics as a precaution during labor if I test positive again.

I also had an ultrasound! Based on the ultrasound measurements, the baby weighs approximately 7 pounds 6 ounces at 36 weeks! Coincidentally, 7 pounds 6 ounces is what I weighed at birth...at 40 weeks 5 days gestation!

The baby is the size of an average baby at about 40 weeks, aka due date! So, that means that the baby is measuring about 4 weeks ahead, which is right about where Paprika was at this gestation. The tech and doctor kept commenting on how big and long the baby is for this gestation. The doctor was a little shocked at the size of the baby. All fluid levels, etc. were perfect...which made me feel good. It was so wonderful to see our baby again- I am so grateful for good ultrasounds now! :-)

We are very sure of the due date of this baby...mostly because I am obsessive about knowing this type of thing, and because our first ultrasound was so early that there is very little room for error.

I am happy about the weight and size of the baby. Paprika was induced at 39 weeks and was about 8 1/2 pounds...if this baby grows at an average rate, that means this baby will also be around 8 1/2 pounds at 39 weeks, or 8 pounds at 38 weeks (2 weeks early), since babies tend to gain about 1/2 pound/week in the last month of pregnancy.

I talked to the doctor about induction again, and we are pretty set to induce during either the 38th or 39th week of pregnancy. We will know more as the time gets closer and he'll have to do some more checking to make sure that conditions are favorable for an induction.

I do enjoy being pregnant. But, more than anything, I want this baby to be born healthy and without complications. I feel like the longer the baby is inside, the more that can go wrong. I realize this is because of my own history and that in most cases, everything does go right. But having lost three babies now (first through miscarriage and then Vivian and Annemarie) makes me anxious. So, as soon as it is safe for the baby to be born healthily, I want the birth to happen.

I go back next week for my next appointment (37 weeks), then the following week (38 weeks)- and at that appointment, we'll decide if we're going to induce at 38 weeks or wait til 39 weeks. So, no matter what, we're just about three weeks away at most now. :-)

Wild Adventures!

We had such a packed day! This morning, we hit the Going Out of Business Sale at Right Start, where we bought the baby's crib bedding. You know how I cannot pass up a good deal...and it was $51 marked down from $200!

Then we brought home pastries from the pastry shop...Mr. Mustard did car maintenance, and then we headed to an Open House across town to have a look, see.

We were warned that the house was a "fixer"- and oh my, was it ever! Thankfully, Paprika fell asleep on the car ride over, and Mr. Mustard and I took turns going inside to look at it while Paprika was sleeping soundly in the backseat.



It was the scariest house Mr. Mustard and I have ever been inside. With every step, it felt like the house was going to slide down the side of the mountain it was perched on. There was black mold in most of the walls. The ceiling had rotted out. The carpet was molding. The house had no appliances or fixtures. There was a giant bee's nest in the downstairs bedroom. Everything in the house was rotting. The lot was tiny, and was basically a little square on the side of a very steep patch of dirt. And they were asking $400K for it! Garrrrrrr!

After that, we drove around to some neighborhoods we're interested in and did drive-bys at houses for sale. We went into the backyards of a few of them after we had determined that they were empty. Trespassing is always fun!

Then we headed to this awesome park by the beach, a park we have loved since Mr. Mustard and I started dating. It is amazing how at all points in our relationship, we have gravitated to this park. We love it! Paprika has been here many times, too. Not as much as we'd like, though! Hopefully we'll be moving closer to it soon! We shall see.

Me pregnant at 35 weeks:









Then we had dinner at La Salsa by the beach, another one of our faves. After that, we hit the beach for an hour or two before sunset. We went to one of our favorite beaches, a bird sanctuary right on the water.



Paprika surprised us both by running right up to the water and practically diving in! She used to detest the sand and be so scared of the water. Not anymore! Mr. Mustard had to hold her back because otherwise she would have run into the water at full speed.

As it was, she ended up soaked, and we all ended up laughing. Everytime we'd pull her out of the water, she'd run right back and say, "I'll try again!" She had so much fun and it was well worth the soaking!

Getting Ready - 34 Weeks 6 Days

Now that Mr. Mustard isn't working, we have a little time to breathe, plan, and relax. I realized yesterday that I have bought only frivilous, non-essential, or fun items for the new baby, but nothing really that the baby needs.

So, even though I know I said I wasn't going to buy a carseat til after the baby came home, yesterday I did! Actually, I bought two! I bought an extra one for Paprika, since Paprika will be starting preschool in July and Mr. Mustard will (hopefully) be driving her to school in his car, and I will pick her up (so she will need two carseats). Yup, Paprika will be in morning pre-school this summer for three hours/day. I think she's gonna love it- at least I hope so!

Paprika has all of a sudden had a tremendous emotional growth spurt. She is a little kid now! It's breaking my heart! She wakes up early, gets out of bed, and reads books before I can go into her room to get her. Yesterday, I woke up and she was downstairs playing with her blocks. I put the babygate up last night so she can't go downstairs without coming to get me first. I'm guessing it will be about three more days before she learns how to unlatch the baby gate. ;-)

Back to the baby. We are still stuck on a middle name. So hard! But the first name is pretty much locked. The baby is very strong, and many times I feel like someone is going to bust out of my stomach. I have never felt such strong kicks and movement...not even with Paprika! This baby is something else!

I am continually nauseous...just like I was in the first trimester! I am throwing up often, and that's something I never expected to continue this far along! I am getting so anxious for the birth- ready for it- but also know that the baby needs to stay in awhile longer to get a little bigger and for lung development. I'm at the point now where I can feel and distinguish the baby's feet, hands, head, etc. from the outside of my stomach. I can put a hand in one spot and know it's a foot...or in another spot and know it's the head. Pretty cool!

In other news, we've decided to put house-hunting on the back-burner. We're fairly convinced that housing prices will continue to fall, or at the very least aren't going to go up in the next year. So...we are going to try to make it work in our townhouse for now. We're still casually house shopping, so if something comes along that is perfect, we'll go for it. We just don't want to buy a so-so house now when we could possibly get an even better house this winter for the same price.

I am not too excited about staying in our townhouse- we are bursting at the seams! And the lack of a backyard and play space really bothers me. But, we are taking this weekend to do some massive cleaning and de-cluttering, so that we can make room for the baby to come home, and our house can feel more zen-like! Maybe then the lack of space/yard won't be so bothersome!

33 Weeks!

Today marks my 33rd week of pregnancy! We are really in the homestretch now...hopefully in 6 or 7 more weeks, I'll be delivering this little one. The baby is super active now- and there's not a minute that goes by that I am not fully aware of being pregnant.

My doctor's appointment on Thursday went really well. It was a pretty "nothing" appointment. He just did weight, blood pressure, urine, and checked the baby's heartbeat on a doppler. I can pretty much do all that at home!

But I went, and he said everything looks fine- good even. My blood pressure is staying low. I have a bunch of other symptoms of pre-eclampsia (headaches, nausea, swollen hands and feet, pain in the right side of the abdomen)- but as long as the blood pressure is down and there isn't an excess of protein in the urine, then I'm okay. And I am so thankful for that because as much as I want to hold this baby in my arms, I also know that this baby can benefit from at least a few more weeks in utero.

The baby is super active now. Kicking, punching, and ready to be free! I think that it must be getting pretty cramped in there! Dr. K said we would be doing at least one more ultrasound before the birth, but I'm not sure when that's going to happen. Maybe at the next appointment? I'm going every two weeks now and will soon go once per week.

I'm still having the horrible, horrible round ligament pain in my pelvis and terrible, awful back pain. The back pain is likely due to the baby's position and the fact that my placenta is anterior (in the front). I think both back and pelvic pain are going to stay with me through the end. Still, with only 6 more weeks to go, there is an end in sight and I really can't complain because we are so grateful for this child! I would go through any amount of pain to bring our baby home from the hospital.

We have started to prepare our home for the baby. Michi, a dear friend of mine in Germany, crocheted the most exquisite coming home outfit for the baby. It is so incredibly beautiful, and so special. My Aunt Laura crocheted a gorgeous baby blanket, and has sent us lots of gifts for the little one. Ann has gone overboard in lavishing this baby with a whole new wardrobe. And I've been doing a little shopping of my own. So, needless to say, the baby is set!

Back In Los Angeles...

Paprika and I drove back to LA last night. I started feeling absolutely miserable on Sunday night and it continued to get worse on Monday. Awful pain. Terrible, stabbing pains like a knife ripping through my midsection. Swollen feet. Headaches. Could barely walk...or move. Couldn't sleep because every time I rolled over, I would wake up from the pain. So, I decided it was a good idea to get in the car and come home, where we could be close to Mr. Mustard, the hospital, and Dr. K.

The pains are pretty normal, round ligament pain...but just in case, we decided it was better to be close. Santa Barbara is two hours away in good traffic, and in bad traffic it can be 5 or 6!

So, we're here now. I have my doc appointment Thursday, so I will definitely be asking Dr. K about all these symptoms. I think my body is just very tired from being pregnant for so long, especially since there was only a two month break between my last pregnancy and this one. Here are a few highlights from our week in Santa Barbara:

Paprika and I on our first day at the Zoo, feeding the Giraffes:



Paprika Petting a Shark on Our First Trip to the Marine Museum:



Putting On A Puppet Show:



Family Photo on Our Second Trip to the Zoo (when Mr. Mustard was visiting):



On The Zoo's Choo-Choo Train (We Rode It Three Times!):



Paprika Back At The House, Playing Piano:



Paprika, Snuggling On The Couch:



Trip To One of Many Parks:



And Another Park:



First Time By Herself On "The Big Girl Swings" (I was sooo proud!):