Paging Mr. Nemo!

Mr. Mustard and I took Paprika and Ginger to the Aquarium of the Pacific today in Long Beach. Mr. Mustard and I went to the Aquarium of the Pacific about 9 years ago...but this was the first time we have been since we had kids, believe it or not!

We've gone to some other great aquariums over the years: the Monterey Bay Aquarium, and the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago, and of course, the Ty Warner Center in Santa Barbara, our little aquarium here at the beach, and countless visits to Petco to check out their fish tanks. ;-)

We took Paprika to the Shedd when she was just about Ginger's age...almost three years ago to the day! Ahhh...memories!



We had not counted on the place being totally packed today! But it was! So, we got a year-long membership, and we'll be going back (again and again) when it's less crowded. Even a crowded day at the aquarium is still a great day.

Paprika and Ginger were both mesmerized by the exhibits, and really enjoyed the touch tanks, looking at the sharks, and of course, seeing the giant jellyfish! But try as we might, we still couldn't find Nemo! Not a single clownfish in the whole place. Can you believe it? I guess Nemo had the day off! At least there's hope for next time! ;-)

The 4th Of July!

We had a great 4th of July! How 'bout you?



We stayed home and got the baby pools out, had some good food, and just enjoyed the beautiful sunny day.



In the morning, the girls painted outside (Ginger got so messy)- and Paprika did a lot of paintings.



We were going to go to the fireworks down at the beach, but by the time it was evening, we had already been playing outside for about 9 hours and we were all sooooooo exhausted! So we decided that we'd just wait and take the girls to Disneyland at the end of the summer...they do fireworks there every night!



Ginger even treated us soooo well yesterday by taking a 2 hour nap AND sleeping for 11 hours last night. Woah! That was really wonderful- so much better than her napping for 20 minutes and then sleeping 6 hours/night, which is what we're used to!

It was a great day of fun, family, and food...which I think is how Independence Day should be!

Memorial Day Weekend

Have you noticed, Ginger has four teeth now! Three of them came overnight. That was fun! ;-)

We are enjoying a laid back weekend. Park trips, ice cream, making sandwiches together...just a lot of simple things.



Hope you are enjoying your Memorial Day weekend. It is pretty sunny and beautiful here, and we're taking advantage of every moment of sunshine!

We are very thankful to the military families who sacrifice every day for our country. I am good friends with two women whose husbands are currently deployed (Hi Jen and Kim!)...and every day I think of them and the sacrifices they make for our country. I am so grateful and thankful to all the men and women, and their families, who serve our country.

Love,
E

The Real Gift

Today is Mother's Day. It's a day that is bittersweet for many, blissfully happy for a few, and really sad for others. Hallmark would have you think that it's all flowers and chocolates and happiness but for so many, it's not.



This Mother's Day, I am happy. I am happy for so many reasons. I am grateful for that I get to wake up to the faces of two of my children every day. They are such a gift. I never forget that.

Every single day, I remember how much I love them and how much I wanted them. I don't need breakfast in bed or flowers or even a card. I am happy...more than happy...just to have them, just as they are. I'm not saying they're perfect. But they are perfect to me.



This time last year I didn't know if Ginger would be born alive. My whole pregnancy with her, I hoped and prayed I'd get to see her sweet face, kiss her soft skin, and listen to her laugh. Getting to spend this year with her has been a gift- more than I ever could have hoped or wished for...she really is my dream come true.



Of course, I am thinking about Vivian and Annemarie today. Whenever I post something about them, invariably someone will email me and talk about how sad I sound. And the truth is...I am sad sometimes. I walk through grief, and it's okay to be sad. You can be happy and sad all at the same time. I still miss Vivian and Annemarie, and I suspect I always will. I will always wish for them to be here by my side.

But even though they are gone, I am still their mom. I am still a mother to my girls in Heaven. And if people don't "get" that, or they think it's morbid or whatever...I couldn't give a hoot. They will always be my daughters. And I'm always going to love them. Period.



Yesterday, Paprika watched Disney's original animated Alice In Wonderland for the first time on DVD. She loved it so much, and next thing I knew, she had whipped up THIS outfit. This is her "Alice In Wonderland" outfit. I don't know if anyone else can see the resemblance, but I do.

I am impressed at how she made this costume out of clothes she has- one of her favorite dresses (from Mimi and PopPop), her ballet tights, her tap shoes, a headband, and an old bag we had laying around as the apron.

I know it's a silly thing, but it was one of those ordinary moments that is a gift of motherhood. Watching your child grow and be creative, and funny, and silly...these are moments I don't ever take for granted. Ever.



For all the moms who have lost children, the moms who have lost their only children, and the women who want to be moms but can't be due to infertility or life's circumstances...I just want to give you all a big hug today and let you know that I am thinking of you. I don't say that lightly. I am heartbroken for you all, and hope that this upcoming year brings healing, hope, and happiness.

Last year at Mother's Day, I was so sad. This past year has brought so much healing, and although things aren't all better, and won't ever be all better (how can they be, really?)...I am definitely in a better place than I was last Mother's Day. And that's progress...

Mother's Day will always be bittersweet for me. I am grateful to be celebrating all my children (even the ones in Heaven) and even if there are no presents to open, flowers, or cards for me today, it's okay by me. I am happy this year and grateful, just so grateful for another year of being able to wake up and have someone call me "Mom" - it truly is the best gift of all.

Better Late Than Never!

Remember how I told Paprika that the Easter Bunny had to postpone coming on Easter because Mr. Mustard had to work? Well, Paprika did not forget about the Bunny. Mr. Mustard has been working some really long hours, and it was just about impossible to find a time when we would all be together in the morning.

But, today it happened...so guess what...the Easter Bunny came today!

It's a good thing, too, because Paprika has been talking about him for weeks and the guilt was really getting to me. Last week she started making presents for the Easter Bunny (drawings, sculptures made of legos, etc.) to entice him to stop by.

She kept saying, "When the Easter Bunny comes, I'm going to give him my drawing!" - just stuff like that...so yup, mommy guilt was really starting to set in and I couldn't let the month of April slip by without making sure the Easter Bunny penciled us in!



Now, unfortunately, I ate all the Easter candy in the house weeks ago, so the Easter Bunny had to be creative!

The chocolate bunnies survived the past few weeks because even though I really wanted to eat those, I couldn't bring myself to eat them. Easter candy is one thing...bunnies are another!



So, Paprika and Ginger got their own chocolate bunnies, and then a bunch of art supplies and fun stuff like new Play-Doh, and they each got their own kite. I guess they were kind of unconventional Easter baskets, but it's fun to mix it up every once in awhile. Right? I mean, if you're going to do baskets 3 weeks late, I think convention has already been thrown to the wind!



Speaking of wind, we decided to test those kites out right then and there! We headed down to the beach, and my oh my, it was a very windy day outside!



There was so much wind that the trash cans were flying through the air and no one (let me repeat: not a single other person) was at the beach! But we were there. Oh yes. The kites had to be flown right then...so we braved the wind!



I had Ginger in the Ergo, and I zipped her into my sweatshirt because the sand was flying and I didn't want it to get into her eyes. Paprika had a great time, and was pretty oblivious to the wind...although I'm not sure how it didn't pick her up and carry her away!



The first kite was kind of a dud and caused Mr. Mustard a lot of frustration. But after Ginger and I went back to the car (about half an hour in), Paprika and Mr. Mustard cracked open the other kite and it was a huge success...until Paprika let go of it and it flew away! I think it was merciful because I don't know how we ever would have gotten Paprika to leave the beach if there was still the possibility of flying kites...she loved it so much!



Then we came home and popped popcorn in the air popper - it was our first time doing that. When I put Paprika to bed tonight, I asked her what her favorite part of the day was and she said, "When we popped poporn!"

So, the Easter Bunny, the kites, and the beach were all trumped by popping popcorn in the air popper together. Good to know! :-)

Easter, Standing, and Tooth!

Yesterday was Easter and I'm not going to lie, it was not the best Easter ever. Mr. Mustard had to work and I was home by myself with the kids. I had planned to go to a church in our new neighborhood in the morning, but Paprika slept in late and I was worried she was coming down with something, so I didn't want to get her up- and of course, I wasn't going to take her to a new church (or any church for that matter) and have her around other kids if she was feeling sick.

We had planned on doing an egg hunt and baskets before Mr. Mustard went to work- but then Paprika slept in late, and again...I didn't want to wake her, so we skipped that.

By the time she woke up, she was feeling fine...but church was done and Mr. Mustard was at work. Paprika wanted to know if the Easter bunny had left her eggs to find in the backyard. I had to tell her that the Easter Bunny wasn't coming until Wednesday (Mr. Mustard's day off)- because I didn't want to do the egg hunt and baskets without him there.

I felt like the worst mommy ever. I know, I know...she won't know the difference between Easter Sunday and this Wednesday, but still I felt pretty bad about it.



Ginger was being fussy, and she's into everything...and I was just feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes it's just a lot to handle with family so far away. I did get to talk with my mom's side of the family in Indiana on the phone- they had a big Easter lunch, and it was so great and refreshing to chat with them.

Everyone in my neighborhood was having their extended families over for Easter, and I could smell their barbeques going in the backyard, and hear them laughing...and there I was wiping butts and averting disaster by myself all day long. I am embarrassed to say, I was feeling very sorry for myself.

So, it was basically a big ole' pity party until I thought about what Easter is really all about and why we even celebrate it in the first place...and how much pain and suffering Jesus went through on the cross- for each and every one of us. And so, you know...that kind of put things in perspective. ;-)

I also thought about how much I have to be grateful for and how incredibly wonderful it was that I got to spend the day with Paprika and Ginger...how lucky I am to have them and to have the life I have. I also thought about the promise of the afterlife and how I hope to see Vivian and Annemarie in Heaven.

Pity party ended.

It doesn't really matter how alone we are or how alone we feel- the real message of Easter is that none of us are alone, and we are all loved and cherished by our Heavenly Father.

Needless to say, next year I will be planning better and won't be spending Easter (or any holiday for that matter) alone again if I can help it.

Mr. Mustard got home late, and we treated ourselves to take-out...Thai food- which was very un-Easter-like. But by the time he got home, that was all that was available, and I was not in the mood to cook! :-)



It turns out, Ginger was fussy for good reason. This morning I saw that the tiniest bud of a tooth had popped through her bottom gum- her very first tooth. I guess that money I've been saving for her dental implants can be put to use elsewhere... ;-)

Today she also went from being a kneeling baby to an almost-exclusively standing baby. Standing is now her favorite thing to do. She gets frustrated because she wants to walk- but she can't yet! I am fine with her just standing. A tooth and standing up...all in one day. A pretty big day, if you ask me!

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter!

We dyed eggs last night, and what can I say...I got the planning about 90% right. I bought the neccessary dye kit, and even made sure the Easter Bunny got good things for the baskets, but I forgot to buy eggs! Doh!

So, we had to make due with what we had- eight brown eggs, and three of the eight we had cracked during boiling! I tried to get philosophical about the eggs and chalked it up to a metaphor for the imperfect world we live in (and yet there is still so much beauty in the world). A teachable moment for Easter?

Paprika didn't care a hoot about the broken eggs. She was so excited to have fun with what we had.



I hope you enjoy this beautiful Easter Sunday. I am off to focus on what this holiday is really all about. Easter is one of my very favorite holidays- right up there with Christmas! It fills me with so much hope and I am so grateful for the true reason for this season. :-)

More pics of our egg dyeing:







Happy Easter!!!

New Year

Each day is a chance to start anew, but for some reason the new year always seems like an especially fresh start. I don't do resolutions for the year, but I do goals and intentions. I look back at the past year and what went wrong, and what went right...and try to use that as a jumping off point.

2009 was infinitely better than 2008, and I realize that sometimes so much of what happens in our lives is out of our control. I also realize that we don't live our lives in years, months, weeks, or even days. We live our lives in moments.

2008 began as a phenomenal year that quickly turned devastating. When we lost our twins, I felt the need to retreat from so much of what had been familiar. My life changed and the way I looked at everything and everyone changed. Everyone (including myself) wanted me to go back to the way I was before, but the truth is that things will never be the way they were before. I am different forever but it doesn't mean that I can't find happiness again, or be fun, or be part of a community.



2009 was the year of Ginger - a phenomenal year when we welcomed our beautiful baby girl. She brings so much love and happiness to our family. Having her has been so joyous, so healing, and so wonderful. The first half of 2009 I was pregnant with Ginger, and the second half I was holding her in my arms. That made 2009 one of the very best years of my life. A magical year.

My hope for 2010 is that I can continue to reconnect with life, and reclaim the vitality and energy that I lost with the passing of our twins. We have so many reasons to be joyful, so I want to focus on JOY this year.

This year, I want to travel more. Spend time with my family in Indiana. Become a better photographer.

Enjoy each moment with Paprika, Ginger, and Mr. Mustard and continue to live every moment to the fullest with them. Go on adventures together. Have fun and show love, kindness, and compassion in everything we do together.

Reach my goal of 85 pounds lost (55 down, 30 to go). Eat healthy, unprocessed foods. Enjoy the process of weightloss, and how being healthy makes me feel ALIVE!

Connect with my fellow bloggers in a meaningful way. Catch up with dear friends I haven't seen in awhile.

Spend time outdoors, enjoying nature.

Move to a bigger place (oh how we tried that in 2009- we'll see if 2010 brings us more luck)!

We shall see what the next year brings. For now, I am focusing on creating beautiful moments with my family and enjoying each second of precious time we have together. It is too sweet to miss a breath!

Merry Christmas!

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

And A Happy New Year!

The Annual Santa Trip

Last night, we took our annual family trip to see Santa. Paprika had been talking about it all day long (for weeks, really). She is very into Christmas this year - it has been a truly magical season for her (and us) this year.

When we got up to actually meet Santa, though, Paprika was kinda apprehensive. She brought him one of her drawings and wanted to tell him all about it. That broke the ice and then she very quietly asked him for the one thing she really really wants this year: A Princess Tiana dress. Good to know!

A peek into Santa Encounters Past:

Paprika in 2006:

Taken at the Castleton Mall in Indianapolis at 9pm on Christmas Eve, about 15 minutes before they closed. Got it in under the wire that year!



Paprika in 2007:

Same Mall, Same Santa!



Paprika, 2008:

The year Paprika boycotted Santa and wanted to spend the whole night hanging out at The Gap instead. She was much more interested in the Christmas ornaments surrounding Santa than the big man, himself.







Paprika and Ginger 2009:

Ginger humoring her parents:



Ginger and Paprika: No tears, but no big smiles either. I think the idea of going to see Santa is very different than the reality. ;-)



After all was said and done, Paprika said goodbye to Santa and gave him a big "Thank you!!!" When we got home, all Paprika could talk about was "how proud she was of herself for talking to Santa." Then she wanted to watch "Merry Christmas" (what she calls The Charlie Brown Christmas Special). We watched it together as a family and had milk and cookies. I would say it was a pretty successful trip to see Santa this year, all things considered!

Next year, I am trying to talk Mr. Mustard in to dressing up as Santa and coming to the house to visit the girls. We shall see what Santa costumes are going for on Ebay in January. If I buy one, I bet I can talk him into it!