Two Years

Today marked two years since this day.

July 11th 2008 (the day we found out Vivian and Annemarie were no longer alive) and July 12th 2008 (the day they were born) are the two most difficult days of my life.

Everything since then has been different. My life changed on those days. There is no going back. Sometimes I think about the person I was on the morning of July 11th and the person I am now...and it's like those two people might look alike...but they are not the same person. Not at all.

It's complicated, of course. We celebrate the lives of our girls...the brief and short time they were here on Earth. We miss them. We cherish them. We are glad and feel so blessed that they were in our lives and that we have the hope of seeing them again in Heaven.

But, of course, we are devastated. Still. Even two years later. The grief changes, but it does not go away. We are learning to live with that.

Today was a day of remembrance. And just being together. We had a packed day...and just enjoyed the moment. The present. And although we wished with our whole hearts that V&A were here to celebrate with us, we know that one day we will meet them again.

We started off the day with balloons...



and flowers...



...and a special Mother's Day present that Mr. Mustard had been waiting to give me since Mother's Day back in May.

They were a beautiful pair of earrings. When I went to put them on, I realized that one of my ears was no longer pierced. What can I say, it's been a long time since I've worn earrings. But I really wanted to wear the earrings.

So...I pierced my ear. It kinda hurt. Ouch.



Then we went back to the Aquarium. It is really peaceful there. It's hard to feel sad when you're looking at sea lions.



Truly.



We stayed at the Aquarium, and then went to the harbor and watched the boats come in and out. Then, we took Paprika to ballet class (we didn't want her to miss it- it's the highlight of her week). After that, we went out to dinner at our favorite restaurant.



After that, we went to the beach and released balloons.



It was an amazing day. I only wish that Vivian and Annemarie had been here to spend it with us. I hope that they had a good view from Heaven. I miss them so very much today and every day.

On The Wings Of Butterflies

(My friend Carly made this photo in remembrance of Vivian and Annemarie. I am so in love with it.)

On Monday (July 12th), it will be 2 years since we said goodbye to Vivian and Annemarie. Two Years. It really doesn't seem like that long ago.

Last year when the anniversary came, I was so caught up in Ginger's birth that it didn't hit me like it's hitting me right now. I have to admit, I have been so sad the past few weeks. Just a big mess of grief.

July is supposed to be the highlight of the year- a month full of picnics, fireworks, and summer. It used to be my very favorite month of all. And yet, I still haven't turned the calendar from June. I am not ready for it to be July.

Last night I went through my memory chest with all of Vivian and Annemarie's things. I cried harder than I have cried in a long time. Grief is hard, and I don't know how to make it easier. I think it's one of those things you just have to endure.

The thing that made me happier - what cheered me up in the midst of my big cry-fest last night - was reading through all the cards and letters sent to me from friends, family, and acquaintances- both near and far. I have scrapbooked every single card or letter anyone has ever written me about the girls, and I have them all bound in three glittery butterfly scrapbooks. Even two years later, I feel this upswell of love and support when I read through all of those letters and cards. It was amazing to have that last night. It helped me so much, and brought me back to a place of healing.

I also sat for a long time with the gifts that people have made for me for the girls: Little hats and stuffed animals. Beautiful blankets. The special quilt that a group of friends made for me, each making their own square in remembrance. Ribbons from flowers people sent. Little notes attached to meals that were dropped by. Potted plants that are still growing and thriving to this day...well, most of them are still growing. I really do have a black thumb when it comes to plants. ;-)

Since we said goodbye, many people have asked me what was most helpful during a time of loss and grief. For me, it really was knowing that others cared about us, about our girls, and that they took the time to write a little note or card, or just reach out in some way. Two years later, those cards and letters and the little mementos are priceless to me...they mean so much still.

I wish I were in a better place with my grief this year. I am being gentle with myself and letting myself just feel the feelings as they come- not judge them- just be present with them. I have vowed not to let myself eat emotionally (when I can help myself)- so this year I am not going to drown myself in a sea of dark chocolate. I am working on that part of me, and it's going pretty well...but that is a post for another day! ;-)

I am preparing myself to be an emotional basketcase next Monday, just in case anyone's wondering. I would like to be in a spot to put a pretty bow on my grief, but grief is seldom pretty or easy. Real? Yes. Hard? Definitely. But never pretty.

Each and every day, I wish that they were here. I still think of them as my daughters, and every night I don't get to sing them to sleep, I am sad about it. I guess it's just one of those things that I'm learning to live with...I'm learning to keep going and moving, smiling, laughing, and learning to live without them, even when it seems like the hardest thing on earth to do...

Happy Birthday, Sweet Baby!

Happy Birthday, Sweet Ginger! The past year of having you in our lives has been more beautiful than I ever could have imagined...

On The Road Again!

A year ago today I looked like this and was in labor with Ginger! What a difference a year makes! Tomorrow she turns ONE year old! Wowza....

We are in Indiana right now visiting my side of the family. We spent four days in Lafayette with Ann, and now we're down in Indy visiting everyone else! We have very limited internet access (just when we swing by Panera or Starbucks)- so I haven't been able to update the blog, or really even check email!

We have been soooooo busy, though! I have been taking pictures all along the way and will have lots to post when we get back to California! Our little vacation is turning into an almost month-long event. Ginger and Paprika are both doing great adapting to all the different places we've stayed!

I could really get used to travelling with them- it's definitely been an adventure, but so much fun, too...and just getting to spend so much time with Mr. Mustard (because he's had this whole month off work) has just been awesome!

Tomorrow we have a big day planned for Ginger's birthday! I am feeling a little sad about my littlest baby turning one already! Time has flown by too quickly, and of course, it makes me think of Vivian and Annemarie, who I wish I could have seen turn one year old. But I'm trying not to dwell on that and just focus on how amazing and wonderful it is to wake up to Ginger's smiling face every morning. Ginger and Paprika make me feel like the luckiest mama on Earth. Truly! I am so grateful for them each and every day!

A Birthday Feast!

On Sunday, my baby brother, Robbie, turned 15 years old! Paprika hasn't seen Robbie in almost two years (since the summer of 2008), but she remembers him very well. I am always amazed at what Paprika remembers, truly.

Anyhoo, I told Paprika it was Robbie's birthday, and the first thing she wanted to do was sing him Happy Birthday. So, we called him on his cellie and she sang Happy Birthday to him.

Then when we got off the phone, she said very simply, "It's time to make Robbie's birthday dinner feast!"

Well, I went off to change Ginger's diaper and when I came back, Paprika had gone out to the backyard and had brought in all kinds of good stuff to make this dinner. She had taken out bowls and cups for mixing. And she had picked most of the rose petals off one of our rose bushes. She had picked greens from the plants. She had picked little purple flowers. Everything was from our backyard, and it was transformed by way of her imagination.



The rose petals were strawberries. The leaves of the plants were spinach. She had made him a strawberry and spinach salad!



Then she put it on the plate and said it was a big yummy plate of salmon and asparagus.



Then it was time to make the birthday cake.



She got out the mixing bowl all by herself and started to make the cake.



She stirred and mixed...



it was starting to look good!



Then she added some oranges from our orange tree.



Then I went to feed Ginger and get her new clothes. When we came back, Paprika had arranged the cake like this all by herself:



I don't know about you, but I think it looks like a divine birthday cake! Happy Birthday, Robbie! I hope you like your feast!

A Very Important Day!

Well, I realize that it probably seems like I've fallen off the face of the Earth. And I kinda have. The move ended up being much more stressful than I anticipated, and we didn't get internet until last night. I've been going and going and going this past week. We did the move ourselves with a U-Haul, and man...now I understand why movers get paid so much! It was rough. We are still catching our breaths here, and I haven't showered or changed clothes in...oh, about a week. Can you tell? Wait, don't answer that!



But even so, today was a special day...the kind of day when it's important to stop and reflect and honor life...two lives to be precise. Today is the birthday of two special boys, Blake and Ethan, who are very near and dear to my heart, even though I've never met them.

Paprika, Ginger, and I met up with Devon and Rob and their two girls at Disneyland today to honor the lives of Blake and Ethan. It was a great day, a wonderful break from all the day-to-day drama that's been going on around here. We rode new rides, and watched the girls play together without a care in the world.

It was a special day, and I'm glad we stopped to honor what's important. Please stop by Devon's blog and let her know you're thinking about her and her boys today...

I imagine her boys in Heaven with my twin girls, and hope they all had a great big birthday celebration today for Blake and Ethan. I'm not sure if that's how it works, but I sure hope it is.

Happy Birthday, PopPop!

Happy Birthday, Grandpa!



I love you so much!



Thank you for being such a wonderful Grandpa all these years and such a wonderful PopPop to Paprika and Ginger!



You have known me since I was hours old,



and have always been by my side for me to lean on.



I hope you have a wonderful birthday, Grandpa! You deserve all the happiness in the world!

Happy Birthday, Mimi!

Happy Birthday, Grandma! Do you remember this birthday card I sent you 24 years ago? How did you ever put up with me?!



You have always been beautiful,



and kind.



You have become more beautiful



with each passing year.



I love you so much,



and am so blessed you are my grandma. My girls are so blessed to call you their Mimi!



I hope you have a WONDERFUL birthday! Love you so!

Happy Birthday, E!

Today is Mr. Mustard's birthday! The best part of being a New Year's Eve baby? There's always a party to attend. Tonight we'll be having our own party with Paprika and Ginger. ;-)



This is the 10th birthday of Mr. Mustard's that I've celebrated with him. I can't believe it's been 10 years now. Wow. Each year gets better...I don't know how that happens, but it does!

Happy Birthday to the best person I've ever known. Seriously. How did I get so lucky?